Aquamarine
03-30-2006, 06:27 PM
I observed na maraming awayan dito sa TF, base sa mga nababasa ko.
Let's forgive and forget na lang mga kapuso at kapamilya (dos at syete? hehe)
Letting Go and Letting God
Bernie Fenton* never minded that his office overlooked a cemetery. In fact,
he kind of liked it. He'd glance up from his desk now and then catching
glimpses of friends and family members visiting their loved ones,
planting flowers, saying prayers. There was a quiet, faith-filled rhythm to
each day that he enjoyed.
At least that's how it was until that warm summer evening when his
18-year-old daughter was bludgeoned to death by her older sister's
husband.
After that, Bernie would sit for hours, staring out of the oversized
window, looking down at his daughter's grave. Day after day, year after
year, consumed by grief and rage, he sat and stared, no longer seeing the
gentle actions of loving people, no longer sensing the faith or renewal of
this pastoral setting. When Bernie died, friends said it was from a
broken heart.
And it probably was.
Unrelenting grief, a heart burdened with anger and revenge--these
can place a terrible toll on our body, and on our psyche.
Thankfully, most of us will never face the kind of tragedy Bernie
experienced. Still, one day we may find ourselves consumed by the
depression or rage that often accompanies hurt and betrayal--from things in our
past we're still holding onto or, in the years ahead, from accidents and
events we believe today we could never, ever forgive.
"We never know what we can, or can't, forgive until we're faced with
the actual experience," says Mercy Sister Beth Fischer. "Could I forgive
someone who knocks me down and steals my purse? Maybe. I think so. I hope
so. Could
I forgive a deliberate or malicious breach of my confidence? I don't
know. It's all very personal. Nobody can tell another person that they
should forgive or presume to judge for someone else what's a forgivable act
and what's not."
Some people harbor small grudges for a lifetime; others find a way
to let go of the most horrific hurts and, in time, actually come to forgive
the offender. Forgiveness means releasing the mind and heart from past
hurts--from resentments to which we have a right--in order to move
our own lives forward. Sister Beth sees the decision to forgive as an
attitude of the heart, a restorative experience of grace and letting
go. "Forgiveness asks us to see God in the other person, to open ourselves up to
their humanness and to our own."
In many ways, how and why we forgive remains a mystery, more
spiritual than science; more a leap of faith than one of logic. The importance of
forgiving, however, is no mystery at all. In fact, the act of forgiveness is
essential to our emotional, spiritual and physical wellbeing. It restores
our sense of balance and harmony, within ourselves and in the world.
Judy Robbins, MA, LPC is a licensed professional counselor who works
as a holistic psychotherapist in Glastonbury, Connecticut. Many clients
seek her out because they feel stuck in their lives. They want to move
forward yet they can't. Something is in the way. More often than not, that
something is a hurtful event that keeps calling attention to itself, throwing off
their sense of balance and wellbeing. It may have happened last year, or
20 years ago; the person who committed the offense may not admit to any
wrongdoing; that person may no longer be alive--none of that matters. What
matters is the emotional charge still associated with the experience.
"So often," Judy explains, we equate letting go of these hurts with
giving in, with losing. We think the other person has somehow won and
gained control. Yet nothing could be further from the truth. Holding on is
what holds us back; it keeps us hostage. Forgive others and we are free
of them."
When we refuse to let go of an abuse or hurt, we remain a victim of
the experience. Our bodies are in a constant state of tension. We feel
slightly uneasy most of the time, with ourselves and with others. We may feel
raw and vulnerable, unable to trust. We may become emotionally paralyzed,
unable to make decisions or move our life forward. When resentment fills our
heart, there's no room for anything else, we close ourselves off to all
kinds of feelings and to potentially healthy relationships. Often we become
ill. Our held-in resentment can result in depression, ulcers, high blood
pressure and even bouts of rage. Letting go-- forgiving what we may have once
thought was the unforgivable--is the first step toward our own wholeness and
healing.
Judy and Sister Beth agree that when we begin the process of
forgiveness it's for ourselves, not for our offender. The person we're forgiving
may never even know--or care--that we're attempting to let go of our
anger and feelings of revenge. It's also important to recognize that forgiving
someone doesn't mean we have to invite them back into our lives. In fact,
you may never want to see that person again. That's okay.
"Forgiveness," Judy explains, "is the finishing up of old business
so we are free to experience the present without contamination from the past.
From a psychological standpoint, forgiveness is a profound state of letting
go. It doesn't mean we're condoning irresponsible, hurtful behavior or
saying what the other person did is okay." Forgiveness doesn't require us to
have a relationship with the person. And it doesn't ask us to forget what
has happened.
"In fact," Judy explains, "We hear so much about forgive and forget, but I
don't like the forget part. It takes away the lesson. Look at it this way:
every moment that is not now is in the past. It's history. But we remember
it. And isn't it important? Otherwise, we wouldn't know how to make
ourselves an egg in the morning. So we don't want to forget what
happened.
We just don't want it to weigh us down."
Like any kind of healing, forgiveness is a process. It takes time.
And patience. When we're ready, the first step is acknowledging that
we've been wronged: yes, I am a victim. I have been hurt. I have been abused or
stolen from or lied to. My child was hit by a drunk driver. My best friend
has let me down. Ask yourself: what am I gaining by holding on? Does my
resentment make me feel right or superior or somehow special? Does my pain
serve as an excuse for my actions, or inactions? Then ask: what am I losing by
holding on? My health? My relationships? My sense of peace and wellbeing?
The next step calls for discharging our deepest feelings of
resentment and revenge. Get it all out; express the anger over and over again--how
could she do that to me...she's a horrible mother...she was never there
for me… I hate her...I'll show her...l'm a good person...I didn't deserve that
kind of treatment. Every now and then stop and ask: is there more? Is there
more? If there's more, keep discharging. Eventually, there will be no more.
You will only be saying the same things over and over again. Some people
accomplish this through rituals such as journaling, prayer or meditation. Some
write letters that will never be mailed. Others talk out their feeling
with a trusted friend or seek help from a therapist or spiritual director.
Deliberate walking is another technique. With every step, you pound another
piece of anger into the ground until your body finally begins to relax. Judy
shares a ritual used by a young man who was terribly angry over
things in his life: "He took this large length of twine and wound it around
and around, all the time saying out loud exactly what he felt. He ended
up with this big ball that he then took and threw into a nearby lake."
There's a saying, Letting Go and Letting God. This suggests that the actions
of others--no matter how vile they may be--are not ours to judge. That job
belongs to God. Our job is to find our way toward forgiveness. Once we've
discharged the anger, or at least large chunks of it, the next step is
finding room in our hearts for empathy. Without empathy, there can probably
be no true forgiveness.
Sister Beth believes in the innate goodness of every human being. So does
Judy. They say that embracing such a belief helps us understand and
ultimately forgive the person who has hurt us. Let's take the example of a
teenage boy mugging you in the park and stealing your money. You
think: All people are good. So then you ask yourself: what could have possibly
happened to this youth to make him attack me? Then you think, look where he lives.
And how he lives. Maybe he thinks that was the only way to get what he
needs. Maybe you decide to do some reading on troubled youths or watch a
television program on the subject. Maybe this leads you to some type of
volunteer work. As time passes, you begin experiencing a shred of empathy
for this body. You'll never condone the action, and you don't want him in
your life, but the anger has begun to leave. There's a piece of you that
understands what brought him to this point in his life. Your empathy allows
you to forgive his humanness and to let go of the anger that keeps you victimized.
If we really want to understand empathy, we have only to remember Jesus on
the cross, looking out at his persecutors and taking us to the heart of
their humanness with the words forgive them for they know not what they do.
"Forgiveness is never easy. But it's the best thing we can do for
ourselves," Sister Beth says. "It brings healing and inner peace and allows
us to experience renewed feelings of faith and gratitude. It takes a lot of
courage and it brings us to a deeper place in our relationship with God and
with one another."
Forgiveness means releasing the mind and heart from past hurts--from
resentments to which we have a right--in order to move our own lives forward.
The Stages of Forgiveness:
Feeling like a victim: When bad things happen, we feel like a victim; the
incident makes us feel vulnerable and exposed. When we stay in this stage,
we risk damage to our physical, spiritual and emotional wellbeing.
Acknowledging and releasing anger: Holding in anger keeps us from moving
forward in our lives. We can never truly forgive as long as we're harboring resentment.
Deciding to forgive: The decision is always ours. Forgiveness is a process
that takes time and patience and does not follow a linear path.
Discovering empathy: Once we discharge anger, we can often find compassion
for the people who have hurt us, even though we can never condone their actions.
Letting go of the hurt and moving on: Ultimately, this is what forgiveness is all about. It is an experience filled with grace and courag.
When the hurt finally has no power over us, we will feel a deeper connection with
God.
Forgiveness
Lord teach me to forgive
to look deep into the hearts
of those who wound me,
so that I may glimpse,
in that dark, still water,
not just the reflection
of my own face
but yours as well.
Rituals for Letting Go of Anger:
Write out your feelings in a letter, burn the letter and scatter the ashes.
Use a tape recorder to talk out your feelings. Remove the actual magnetic
tape from the cassette and throw it away Or, if you're still feeling resentment put the tape in a jar with a solid lid. Now, the anger is
out of you and in the jar. When you're ready, throw the jar away.
Walk as long and as often as you need. Or choose another form of exercise.
With every step or pushup, discharge your feelings of resentment
Take a length of string or twine and roll it into a huge ball, discharging
your resentment as you wind. When you are done, toss that ball of anger over
a cliff or into a body of water. Create a safe, sacred space for yourself; light a candle; pray for
help with your grief and anger. Come to this place every day for solace and guidance.
Let's forgive and forget na lang mga kapuso at kapamilya (dos at syete? hehe)
Letting Go and Letting God
Bernie Fenton* never minded that his office overlooked a cemetery. In fact,
he kind of liked it. He'd glance up from his desk now and then catching
glimpses of friends and family members visiting their loved ones,
planting flowers, saying prayers. There was a quiet, faith-filled rhythm to
each day that he enjoyed.
At least that's how it was until that warm summer evening when his
18-year-old daughter was bludgeoned to death by her older sister's
husband.
After that, Bernie would sit for hours, staring out of the oversized
window, looking down at his daughter's grave. Day after day, year after
year, consumed by grief and rage, he sat and stared, no longer seeing the
gentle actions of loving people, no longer sensing the faith or renewal of
this pastoral setting. When Bernie died, friends said it was from a
broken heart.
And it probably was.
Unrelenting grief, a heart burdened with anger and revenge--these
can place a terrible toll on our body, and on our psyche.
Thankfully, most of us will never face the kind of tragedy Bernie
experienced. Still, one day we may find ourselves consumed by the
depression or rage that often accompanies hurt and betrayal--from things in our
past we're still holding onto or, in the years ahead, from accidents and
events we believe today we could never, ever forgive.
"We never know what we can, or can't, forgive until we're faced with
the actual experience," says Mercy Sister Beth Fischer. "Could I forgive
someone who knocks me down and steals my purse? Maybe. I think so. I hope
so. Could
I forgive a deliberate or malicious breach of my confidence? I don't
know. It's all very personal. Nobody can tell another person that they
should forgive or presume to judge for someone else what's a forgivable act
and what's not."
Some people harbor small grudges for a lifetime; others find a way
to let go of the most horrific hurts and, in time, actually come to forgive
the offender. Forgiveness means releasing the mind and heart from past
hurts--from resentments to which we have a right--in order to move
our own lives forward. Sister Beth sees the decision to forgive as an
attitude of the heart, a restorative experience of grace and letting
go. "Forgiveness asks us to see God in the other person, to open ourselves up to
their humanness and to our own."
In many ways, how and why we forgive remains a mystery, more
spiritual than science; more a leap of faith than one of logic. The importance of
forgiving, however, is no mystery at all. In fact, the act of forgiveness is
essential to our emotional, spiritual and physical wellbeing. It restores
our sense of balance and harmony, within ourselves and in the world.
Judy Robbins, MA, LPC is a licensed professional counselor who works
as a holistic psychotherapist in Glastonbury, Connecticut. Many clients
seek her out because they feel stuck in their lives. They want to move
forward yet they can't. Something is in the way. More often than not, that
something is a hurtful event that keeps calling attention to itself, throwing off
their sense of balance and wellbeing. It may have happened last year, or
20 years ago; the person who committed the offense may not admit to any
wrongdoing; that person may no longer be alive--none of that matters. What
matters is the emotional charge still associated with the experience.
"So often," Judy explains, we equate letting go of these hurts with
giving in, with losing. We think the other person has somehow won and
gained control. Yet nothing could be further from the truth. Holding on is
what holds us back; it keeps us hostage. Forgive others and we are free
of them."
When we refuse to let go of an abuse or hurt, we remain a victim of
the experience. Our bodies are in a constant state of tension. We feel
slightly uneasy most of the time, with ourselves and with others. We may feel
raw and vulnerable, unable to trust. We may become emotionally paralyzed,
unable to make decisions or move our life forward. When resentment fills our
heart, there's no room for anything else, we close ourselves off to all
kinds of feelings and to potentially healthy relationships. Often we become
ill. Our held-in resentment can result in depression, ulcers, high blood
pressure and even bouts of rage. Letting go-- forgiving what we may have once
thought was the unforgivable--is the first step toward our own wholeness and
healing.
Judy and Sister Beth agree that when we begin the process of
forgiveness it's for ourselves, not for our offender. The person we're forgiving
may never even know--or care--that we're attempting to let go of our
anger and feelings of revenge. It's also important to recognize that forgiving
someone doesn't mean we have to invite them back into our lives. In fact,
you may never want to see that person again. That's okay.
"Forgiveness," Judy explains, "is the finishing up of old business
so we are free to experience the present without contamination from the past.
From a psychological standpoint, forgiveness is a profound state of letting
go. It doesn't mean we're condoning irresponsible, hurtful behavior or
saying what the other person did is okay." Forgiveness doesn't require us to
have a relationship with the person. And it doesn't ask us to forget what
has happened.
"In fact," Judy explains, "We hear so much about forgive and forget, but I
don't like the forget part. It takes away the lesson. Look at it this way:
every moment that is not now is in the past. It's history. But we remember
it. And isn't it important? Otherwise, we wouldn't know how to make
ourselves an egg in the morning. So we don't want to forget what
happened.
We just don't want it to weigh us down."
Like any kind of healing, forgiveness is a process. It takes time.
And patience. When we're ready, the first step is acknowledging that
we've been wronged: yes, I am a victim. I have been hurt. I have been abused or
stolen from or lied to. My child was hit by a drunk driver. My best friend
has let me down. Ask yourself: what am I gaining by holding on? Does my
resentment make me feel right or superior or somehow special? Does my pain
serve as an excuse for my actions, or inactions? Then ask: what am I losing by
holding on? My health? My relationships? My sense of peace and wellbeing?
The next step calls for discharging our deepest feelings of
resentment and revenge. Get it all out; express the anger over and over again--how
could she do that to me...she's a horrible mother...she was never there
for me… I hate her...I'll show her...l'm a good person...I didn't deserve that
kind of treatment. Every now and then stop and ask: is there more? Is there
more? If there's more, keep discharging. Eventually, there will be no more.
You will only be saying the same things over and over again. Some people
accomplish this through rituals such as journaling, prayer or meditation. Some
write letters that will never be mailed. Others talk out their feeling
with a trusted friend or seek help from a therapist or spiritual director.
Deliberate walking is another technique. With every step, you pound another
piece of anger into the ground until your body finally begins to relax. Judy
shares a ritual used by a young man who was terribly angry over
things in his life: "He took this large length of twine and wound it around
and around, all the time saying out loud exactly what he felt. He ended
up with this big ball that he then took and threw into a nearby lake."
There's a saying, Letting Go and Letting God. This suggests that the actions
of others--no matter how vile they may be--are not ours to judge. That job
belongs to God. Our job is to find our way toward forgiveness. Once we've
discharged the anger, or at least large chunks of it, the next step is
finding room in our hearts for empathy. Without empathy, there can probably
be no true forgiveness.
Sister Beth believes in the innate goodness of every human being. So does
Judy. They say that embracing such a belief helps us understand and
ultimately forgive the person who has hurt us. Let's take the example of a
teenage boy mugging you in the park and stealing your money. You
think: All people are good. So then you ask yourself: what could have possibly
happened to this youth to make him attack me? Then you think, look where he lives.
And how he lives. Maybe he thinks that was the only way to get what he
needs. Maybe you decide to do some reading on troubled youths or watch a
television program on the subject. Maybe this leads you to some type of
volunteer work. As time passes, you begin experiencing a shred of empathy
for this body. You'll never condone the action, and you don't want him in
your life, but the anger has begun to leave. There's a piece of you that
understands what brought him to this point in his life. Your empathy allows
you to forgive his humanness and to let go of the anger that keeps you victimized.
If we really want to understand empathy, we have only to remember Jesus on
the cross, looking out at his persecutors and taking us to the heart of
their humanness with the words forgive them for they know not what they do.
"Forgiveness is never easy. But it's the best thing we can do for
ourselves," Sister Beth says. "It brings healing and inner peace and allows
us to experience renewed feelings of faith and gratitude. It takes a lot of
courage and it brings us to a deeper place in our relationship with God and
with one another."
Forgiveness means releasing the mind and heart from past hurts--from
resentments to which we have a right--in order to move our own lives forward.
The Stages of Forgiveness:
Feeling like a victim: When bad things happen, we feel like a victim; the
incident makes us feel vulnerable and exposed. When we stay in this stage,
we risk damage to our physical, spiritual and emotional wellbeing.
Acknowledging and releasing anger: Holding in anger keeps us from moving
forward in our lives. We can never truly forgive as long as we're harboring resentment.
Deciding to forgive: The decision is always ours. Forgiveness is a process
that takes time and patience and does not follow a linear path.
Discovering empathy: Once we discharge anger, we can often find compassion
for the people who have hurt us, even though we can never condone their actions.
Letting go of the hurt and moving on: Ultimately, this is what forgiveness is all about. It is an experience filled with grace and courag.
When the hurt finally has no power over us, we will feel a deeper connection with
God.
Forgiveness
Lord teach me to forgive
to look deep into the hearts
of those who wound me,
so that I may glimpse,
in that dark, still water,
not just the reflection
of my own face
but yours as well.
Rituals for Letting Go of Anger:
Write out your feelings in a letter, burn the letter and scatter the ashes.
Use a tape recorder to talk out your feelings. Remove the actual magnetic
tape from the cassette and throw it away Or, if you're still feeling resentment put the tape in a jar with a solid lid. Now, the anger is
out of you and in the jar. When you're ready, throw the jar away.
Walk as long and as often as you need. Or choose another form of exercise.
With every step or pushup, discharge your feelings of resentment
Take a length of string or twine and roll it into a huge ball, discharging
your resentment as you wind. When you are done, toss that ball of anger over
a cliff or into a body of water. Create a safe, sacred space for yourself; light a candle; pray for
help with your grief and anger. Come to this place every day for solace and guidance.